WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BOUNDARY AND A BARRIER?
Someone recently shared that a family member had cut them off, labeling their action “a boundary.” That response is not a boundary; it’s a barrier. Remember, while you can’t change others, you have the power within yourself to learn the difference. Boundaries with Dr. Henry Cloud is an empowering place to start, along with joining a codependency 12-step support group and professional counseling. A well-qualified Life Coach experienced in this area can be of benefit. Boundaries enable you to confidently identify and hold to your values based on love, healthy love. They protect you, so they are for you, but also foster an atmosphere of love for everyone, though others may not see it as such, and that’s ok. Ex. “I love you, and I love me too. I want to have a relationship with you, but I won’t allow myself to be treated this way. If I did, it wouldn’t show either of us love.” At that point, the ball’s in their court. They can rise to the occasion and want to improve or not. You’ve created an atmosphere to enhance the relationship when they’re ready and leave them to it. You must be healthy to know how to do that; being emotionally healthy is learned.
Setting barriers can lead to a situation where you ‘amputate people out of your life, ‘meaning that you may end up cutting off relationships completely, causing more pain, adversely affecting others, and delaying any hope of reconciliation. Barriers are rooted in controlling others, and they destroy love. It may be necessary to distance ourselves from unhealthy people until we learn how to be healthy. We can learn the tools and skills to avoid the additional trauma of estrangement. I’ve worked in a program of emotional recovery and wellness for several decades, so what I share is based on experience, education, and wisdom. It applies to anyone. Giving personal advice is a slippery slope. I would never want to be liable for worsening someone else’s situation. Instead, I would point them toward sound resources so they can get well and make good decisions.
I understand that setting boundaries and improving relationships can be challenging. We possess the ability to learn and navigate these complexities. We can have peace amid what once was chaos, and the hope of reconciliation is possible.
Love,
Sheri Lea